What Closure Really is and Why We Need It

Quite often we don’t get to say the goodbyes we want to say, to certain people that meant a lot to us. This can haunt us forever. So how do we get the closure we deserve, and what does closure really look like?

Communication is key in all relationships, whether those relationships are romantic or not. Through communication, we let people know what our feelings are, what we want and what we do not want, and what we need, too. Logically, we can’t expect people to just assume how we feel, if we don’t say it out loud. However, turns out this is exactly the expectation most of us have from our relationships. Communicating our feelings seems to be a difficult thing, especially communicating our feelings to the people we care about. We tend to become irrational, angry, and irritable, whenever we think about being brutally honest or vulnerable related to the way we feel. Because of this inability to become vulnerable, some of us become passive instead, we grow cold and we let the people that mean a lot to us go, because we are not ready to point out and address the things we need to work on ourselves. 

Some of us, do quite the opposite. We know exactly what we’re trying to improve about ourselves. We do not fear vulnerability, and we try very hard to be completely sincere with our partners, loved ones, friends or family. Problems arise when we do not get the same treatment in return. We do not always match with our level of matureness in the individuals who become part of our lives, that is why we get disappointed when these same individuals decide to simply vanish, and leave our lives with no reasonable explanation.

How does one cope with these situations? How do we preserve our sanity, when the honesty, level of understanding, and empathy are not reciprocated?

It is important that when we’re going through hard times, we introspect, and understand what is it that we really want to do next. We may say we want closure all the time, we may talk about how this person did us wrong, however, do we have a clear idea of what closure really mean to us? Do we want to face this person, so we can wrap all of our thoughts and be completely honest to him or her, for the very last time? Or are we simply seeking for another opportunity to run back into the arms of someone who hurt us and did not want to work things through, when there was a possibility to do so?

It is crucial to understand what facing this person will mean for our general well-being. Sometimes we may convince ourselves beautifully, that we are grown-ups, and we deserve to sit and talk to one-another, to end things diplomatically, because we believe we can ‘control’ our-selves pretty fine. However, it’s like we tend to forget that just because we are grown-ups, it does not mean we are completely rational all the time. Love and affection are blind, and they can make us act really immature, which is why we come up with all sorts of justifications to see the persons that we consider our source of love and affection, no matter how toxic they might be.

The reason we need closure so much, is because it is unbearable for us to admit the fact that we have been completely wrong about a person for whom we cared about so much. We don’t want to believe that they’re completely irresponsible, that they have forgotten about us, or that they will never really apologize. It gets very tricky when this is indeed the reality, and you never receive the apology you wanted to have so badly. You never receive a justification for the lack of empathy either. You have to understand that some people just are who they are and no matter how much you are patient; they will never be willing to change.

That is why it is important to erase all the scenarios in your head, and get the closure you need from yourself, most of all. When the time feels right, be grateful that you are no longer involved with someone who did not match your level of self-awareness. Be thankful that you no longer seek for their approval, to continue your self-growth journey, nor are you being obliged to minimize the sort of person you are, to comply with the needs of another.

When the time is right, forgive the loved one who never said goodbye, the person with whom your last encounter was very bitter, when it should have been warmer and more empathetic. Forgive them, for not knowing how to handle themselves or how to express themselves better than that. And most importantly know, that you deserve to be treated tenderly, respectfully, and lovingly!


Picture: Shutterstock / ID: 304871084

Relationships can be hard to master, especially when we don’t know how to properly express emotion. Read this article on perfectionism to see if you display some of the traits.

Perfectionism: How does it effect people?


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